What I've learned

Kaleidoscope

acrylic and collage on canvas

Its almost been a year since we left New York, can you believe it? I know that its still hard for me to understand that 11 whole months have passed and as I enter the season in which we spent our last month there, with all of the goodbyes and the leaving that we did, I can't help but reflect on how much I have learned in the past year. When we left Brooklyn I thought that the move was such an excruciating, heart wrenching, experience that we would move through and once we were settled in a new place, that life would get back to normal and we'd go on much as before... but really I had no idea that our move would be just the start of continuing huge changes for us.

I see now that the difficulty of the move prepared me for what was and is to come, living through our move showed me that you can leave all of your friends, the place that you have lived for 15 years, the home that you renovated lovingly where you birthed your children, you can leave all of the places you know and everything is going to be OK.

This passed year has also taught me that,

You can move your family to a new home, new city, new place that you have only visited two times. You can make a life changing choice for your family, act on it and move to this place 800 miles away that you just felt was the right fit, going on faith, and everything is going to be OK.

You can meet new people, make new friends, stretch outside of your comfort zone and everything is going to be OK.

You can find out that you are pregnant for the 4th time, something that you feared because you did not know if you could handle the changes that it would bring to your family and yourself, and realize that everything is going to be OK.

You can have your health insurance company decide that your pregnancy is a pre-existing condition and review whether they will continue to insure your family, including your children, and everything is going to be OK.

Your father can be diagnosed with a dreaded degenerative disease, and everything, no matter what the future holds with this, is going to be OK.

Your parents can announce to you that they are moving to the same city that you just moved to, after you have not lived close to them for the past 20 years, and everything is going to be OK.

Your family of origin can implode. Issues that have been dormant for 30 years or more can come up, you can have a falling out with your brother's wife and stop talking to your brother, one of the most dear people in the world to you, and everything is going to be OK.

You can begin to have high blood pressure for the first time in any of your pregnancies, threatening your choice to birth at home, and everything is going to be OK.

Your dear cousin and his wife can loose their baby, a child that you had hoped would grow up with your new baby, and through the sadness, everything is going to be OK.

Your computer and your phone can break separately in the same day (this happened to me a couple of days ago!) and everything is going to be OK.

Everything really is going to be OK, and not in a "lets just ignore all of this way", no not at all. What I have really learned this year is that I can dwell within all of these things, I can be present within the discomfort, I can feel the sadness, the anger, the confusion, and I can still wake up every morning and greet myself. I can say thank you for my precious human life. I can know that as long as I am right in my heart with my small family, my husband and my kids, everything is going to be OK. I can say that even without knowing what that means, because one thing that I keep learning again and again is that I can not know or control the future.

I can pray, I can rejoice, I can revel in the beauty that is all around me. I can exercise, and sweat, and practice Yoga, and eat nourishing foods, and feel how all of this helps my body to get through all of the things that I can't control around me. Each day I can do what I can, to relax, to speak calmly to my children and to forgive myself when I am rushed and impatient.

Each day I can start anew, because each day feels holy. Each day feels like a blessing. Each day we must be gentle with each other because everyone is walking a hard road. Each day, everything is going to be OK.

It's a.....

Yesterday morning Frank and I went for an ultrasound where we were able to find out the gender of our baby. I had seen a really cute gender-reveal idea on Pinterest, where the parents had put a bunch of balloons (either pink or blue) inside a box, and then open it with their family to reveal the gender. We really wanted to have a fun surprise for my parents, who are visiting for 3 weeks, and the kids so I knew I wanted to use the box idea!

We gathered in the afternoon in our back yard, with family and a few friends. Once we were all assembled I slowly pulled the tape off of the top of the box....

It's a BOY!!!!!

The moments were magical, and ones that I know we'll remember always! And now we know more about this little guy who will join us this summer. It really helps it feel more real to me as now I'm able to think about him concretely as another little boy for me to hold and snuggle.

My Jasper is beyond thrilled, he was so hoping for a little brother, and now his wish is coming true!! Woohoo!

Where I've really been

Most mornings for the past month you'd find me out walking on the beach. I make the quick 5 minute drive from our house, park in the sand by the side of the road and walk the wooden board walk out onto the beach, which changes daily with the tides and weather, presenting its new face to me each morning like a surprise. As I start to breathe in the sea air I feel my body calming, my mind opening.

After what has been the longest blog-break that I've taken since I started blogging two and half years ago I am back friends, and I have missed being here. For the past month I have needed to retreat, cocoon myself and focus on my immediate surroundings, taking care of myself and my family. I'd like to explain why...

At the beginning of December I found out that I am pregnant, completely unexpectedly, it was really one of the most stunning bits of news that I've ever received. Not because I thought that it wasn't possible, but just because as someone who likes to be a "planner" I have such a vision for my life and future...and having another child was something that Frank and I had thought about, considered for a time, but decided that it was not a part of our vision for our future. Our family of four, Frank and I with Jasper and Carys feels so balanced, and with our move last summer we have been adjusting to our new life. On a deep level I had been finding such a peace in moving forward from my childbearing years. I was happy finally to put that behind me, to let it go, and to embrace the time ahead which I thought was going to be full of creating my art as my main focus, especially since Carys will start full time Kindergarten in September 2012, I figured 2012 was going to be about me diving into my art in a deeper way.

So, that was the mindset with which I faced the plus sign on the pregnancy test back in December, I looked at it in disbelief. It was not part of my plan!! I was really in shock about it, both Frank and I were, through the holidays as we traveled back up north to visit family and friends I look back and see what a state of shock we were in. The reality of it did not hit me until we returned home from our holiday trip. Looking forward towards the future I suddenly felt deep grief for the road ahead of me. I felt like I did not have the strength within me, the warrior woman strength that I know I need, to face another pregnancy and to have another baby.

Being pregnant and giving birth are like crossing a narrow bridge. People can accompany you to the bridge. They can greet you on the other side. But you walk that bridge alone.
-African Proverb

For me being pregnant is a time full of mental and physical stress, I know I've spoken here on my blog briefly before about the fact that I lost my first pregnancy in the 13th week. So for me in each of my subsequent pregnancies those weeks leading up to the 13th week are a time of great struggle in which I face fear daily choosing each day to go forward anyway. On top of that with this pregnancy I have had morning sickness much much worse than with any of my previous pregnancies, it has been so bad at times that I have spent days in bed.

This finally is my 13th week of this pregnancy, I start my 14th week tomorrow. I can't tell you how long it has felt already, but finally I am feeling this baby move within me and we have heard the heart beat loud and strong many times on our at home Doppler (that I have rented). I have also finally chosen a midwife and my first appointment is tomorrow. Things feel like they are moving forward, and over these past two months I have felt myself slowly broken open to this new future. Simultaneously feeling scared, worried but also blessed beyond belief. It is a strange uncertain place to be, in which I still must choose to put one foot in front of the other in trust daily.

My morning beach walks started in early January, they have held deep lessons for me. Sometimes the tide is very low and there is a huge sandbar for me to walk on, other times the beach is just a tiny thin strip and the waves roll up to my shoes.

Sometimes the sand bar is just a tiny island, almost covered by the tide.

At other times the beach feels wide as a desert and my whole being feels wide open and expansive with it.

Some mornings are cold,

the sea feels menacing and murky,

While other days are glassy and warm.

On most days the Dolphins are there, playing in the water close to the shore. Their top fins surface before they dive and really, they are so hard to photograph but absolutely magnificent to watch as they glide through the water

Watching these angels of the ocean reminds me of unbridled joy, of the little fish baby swimming in my belly, of the depths within the ocean that are there even though I can't see them...they remind me to have faith.

Looking back Slowly

Happy New Year friends!

I am SLOWLY stepping into 2012 and finding the energy that I have needed to get back into the grove of our normal schedule after holiday break was enough to keep me on my toes this past week.

Our whirlwind of a holiday tour, that in only two weeks took us to Philadelphia, New York City and Washington DC, ended last weekend with our arrival at home in Charleston after a 13 hour drive just before New Years.

It has taken me this past week to process all that we did, there were so many lovely times with friends and family, and to take in the fact that it is now 2012!

Here's a quick holiday re-cap of our trip,

While we've been loving our warmer southern winter so far, it was fun to take some hikes in the woods of the cold north while we were there,

we enjoyed every second of our time with my brother's family visiting from England, their little girl is almost two and just as cute as can be!

We shared delicious holiday meals with family including this highlight, a traditional English holiday Triffle prepared by my sister-in-law,

Being all together in my parents big, beautiful old house that I grew up in was so fun!

We arrived back at home just in time for some was 70 degree weather and were able to enjoy New Years Day on the beach, the kids were even in bathing suits for splashing around although the water is cold now.

At the beginning of each year I like to reflect back on where I was at this time the year before. 2011 was such a huge year for us that I know I'll be processing all of the changes that it held for some time, and really it feels like it was many years wrapped up into one as in many ways we actualized many long held dreams in 2011. 

At this time last year we were knee (thigh?) deep in snow, I announced our move and we finally completed the renovation of our Brooklyn brownstone and started staging it to get it ready for sale. At the end of February we visited Charleston, where we were blessed within a week to find our dream house along with great schools for the kids, and went into contract for the sale of our house in Brooklyn, all within one week (seriously one of the craziest weeks of our entire lives). That time last year really felt like a whirlwind. 

The next few months were bitter sweet as we prepared to leave our home and city of 15 years, we packed up, said goodbye to friends and spent days celebrating all that we loved in Brooklyn.

Even thinking about that time of leaving, and looking at the posts that I wrote last spring get me choked up, it was such a time of transition, of knowingly letting go, of leaving.

At the end of May we made our big move, leaving NYC for Charleston.

We spent the summer adjusting to, exploring, finding new favorite spots and beauty close to our new home.

We spent our annual time at my family's farm (that we live only 4 hours from now!) in both the summer and the fall. We bought another VW camper van, woohoo! Renovated our back yard and Frank built the coolest tree house.

We had a couple of new furry additions in September.

Made new friends and celebrated with a pirate birthday party. Visited Disney with old friends, spent holidays with family near and far, did lots of crafting, made a bunch of paintings, and made our holiday whirlwind northern tour. Whew, so much to take in and process.

As I start this new year I am beginning by struggling to make room for something new and unexpected in my life. I am embracing something that I thought I was letting go of and taking what feels like a huge leap of faith. I'll share more about this when the time feels right.

Wishing you many blessings and light ahead in 2012.

xo

New York visit

Happy Christmas Eve!

This week we made the 13 hour drive up to Philadelphia, we're here at my parent's house for Christmas, and we took advantage of being back up north to take a quick trip back to visit New York City, only 2 hours drive away from here.

We spent 3 days there, staying with friends and stopping by lots of our favorite places and really trying to make it about what the kids wanted to see. The Museum of Natural History was at the top of the kid's list,

Climbing rocks in Central Park was another one that was up there,

We all enjoyed the misty winter beauty of our old city. Being back there for the first time after our move (how can it be 6 months ago already!?) had me feeling nostalgic and completely energized by that energy that is only in NYC, but it also confirmed our move for us in so many ways.

Seeing the city decorated for the holidays was fun and we visited the holiday market at Union Square along with my favorite cafe close by, both of which I had been missing at this time of year,

and more than one of NYC's cool playgrounds.

We left feeling tired, and also feeling like New York city will always be one of those perfect places for us to visit as a family, since we know it so well and there are things that we all love to do there. But we feel perfectly placed at our new home and city in Charleston, which was an end of the year gift for me....
Looking back we have come so far in a year, from deciding to leave New York, to organizing and making the move to adjusting and settling in Charleston, and while it was one of the hardest and most strenuous years of my life in many ways it also was full of the gifts of clarity and strength which have forced me to grow in ways that I was ready for.
So our visit back to NYC reenforced all of the choices that we have made, and for that I feel deeply grateful.