What I've learned

Kaleidoscope

acrylic and collage on canvas

Its almost been a year since we left New York, can you believe it? I know that its still hard for me to understand that 11 whole months have passed and as I enter the season in which we spent our last month there, with all of the goodbyes and the leaving that we did, I can't help but reflect on how much I have learned in the past year. When we left Brooklyn I thought that the move was such an excruciating, heart wrenching, experience that we would move through and once we were settled in a new place, that life would get back to normal and we'd go on much as before... but really I had no idea that our move would be just the start of continuing huge changes for us.

I see now that the difficulty of the move prepared me for what was and is to come, living through our move showed me that you can leave all of your friends, the place that you have lived for 15 years, the home that you renovated lovingly where you birthed your children, you can leave all of the places you know and everything is going to be OK.

This passed year has also taught me that,

You can move your family to a new home, new city, new place that you have only visited two times. You can make a life changing choice for your family, act on it and move to this place 800 miles away that you just felt was the right fit, going on faith, and everything is going to be OK.

You can meet new people, make new friends, stretch outside of your comfort zone and everything is going to be OK.

You can find out that you are pregnant for the 4th time, something that you feared because you did not know if you could handle the changes that it would bring to your family and yourself, and realize that everything is going to be OK.

You can have your health insurance company decide that your pregnancy is a pre-existing condition and review whether they will continue to insure your family, including your children, and everything is going to be OK.

Your father can be diagnosed with a dreaded degenerative disease, and everything, no matter what the future holds with this, is going to be OK.

Your parents can announce to you that they are moving to the same city that you just moved to, after you have not lived close to them for the past 20 years, and everything is going to be OK.

Your family of origin can implode. Issues that have been dormant for 30 years or more can come up, you can have a falling out with your brother's wife and stop talking to your brother, one of the most dear people in the world to you, and everything is going to be OK.

You can begin to have high blood pressure for the first time in any of your pregnancies, threatening your choice to birth at home, and everything is going to be OK.

Your dear cousin and his wife can loose their baby, a child that you had hoped would grow up with your new baby, and through the sadness, everything is going to be OK.

Your computer and your phone can break separately in the same day (this happened to me a couple of days ago!) and everything is going to be OK.

Everything really is going to be OK, and not in a "lets just ignore all of this way", no not at all. What I have really learned this year is that I can dwell within all of these things, I can be present within the discomfort, I can feel the sadness, the anger, the confusion, and I can still wake up every morning and greet myself. I can say thank you for my precious human life. I can know that as long as I am right in my heart with my small family, my husband and my kids, everything is going to be OK. I can say that even without knowing what that means, because one thing that I keep learning again and again is that I can not know or control the future.

I can pray, I can rejoice, I can revel in the beauty that is all around me. I can exercise, and sweat, and practice Yoga, and eat nourishing foods, and feel how all of this helps my body to get through all of the things that I can't control around me. Each day I can do what I can, to relax, to speak calmly to my children and to forgive myself when I am rushed and impatient.

Each day I can start anew, because each day feels holy. Each day feels like a blessing. Each day we must be gentle with each other because everyone is walking a hard road. Each day, everything is going to be OK.

Five years ago

Five years ago tonight, at 11pm, I began my labor to bring you into the world little one. You had your own timing even then, making me wait two weeks past your estimated due date, but when labor started you came quickly, only 1 hour and 50 minutes later! So tonight at 12:56am you will turn five.

You are my fairy child, always with a song on your lips, swirling to your own music with a smile for everyone.

You can most often be found around the house with one of our kitties in your arms, wearing a fancy dress, or playing with dolls or princesses.

I love the way you like to help me, when we go shopping or work in the kitchen together, you are always eager to jump right in and more than ever you want to "do it yourself!".

You are the most excited about your little baby brother growing in my belly, you can't wait to become a big sister this summer. I know that you will be the best helper, and that being a big sister will bring you joys that I can not yet imagine.

So tonight my dear, when I am tucking you into bed, I'll read our Waldorf verse that has become part of our family tradition...

When I have said my evening prayer,

and my clothes are folded on the chair

and mother switches off the light,

I'll still be 4 years old tonight.

But, from the very break of day,

before the children rise and play,

before the darkness turns to gold

tomorrow, I'll be 5 years old.

5 kisses when I wake,

5 candles on my cake!

With all of my love

xo

Where I've really been

Most mornings for the past month you'd find me out walking on the beach. I make the quick 5 minute drive from our house, park in the sand by the side of the road and walk the wooden board walk out onto the beach, which changes daily with the tides and weather, presenting its new face to me each morning like a surprise. As I start to breathe in the sea air I feel my body calming, my mind opening.

After what has been the longest blog-break that I've taken since I started blogging two and half years ago I am back friends, and I have missed being here. For the past month I have needed to retreat, cocoon myself and focus on my immediate surroundings, taking care of myself and my family. I'd like to explain why...

At the beginning of December I found out that I am pregnant, completely unexpectedly, it was really one of the most stunning bits of news that I've ever received. Not because I thought that it wasn't possible, but just because as someone who likes to be a "planner" I have such a vision for my life and future...and having another child was something that Frank and I had thought about, considered for a time, but decided that it was not a part of our vision for our future. Our family of four, Frank and I with Jasper and Carys feels so balanced, and with our move last summer we have been adjusting to our new life. On a deep level I had been finding such a peace in moving forward from my childbearing years. I was happy finally to put that behind me, to let it go, and to embrace the time ahead which I thought was going to be full of creating my art as my main focus, especially since Carys will start full time Kindergarten in September 2012, I figured 2012 was going to be about me diving into my art in a deeper way.

So, that was the mindset with which I faced the plus sign on the pregnancy test back in December, I looked at it in disbelief. It was not part of my plan!! I was really in shock about it, both Frank and I were, through the holidays as we traveled back up north to visit family and friends I look back and see what a state of shock we were in. The reality of it did not hit me until we returned home from our holiday trip. Looking forward towards the future I suddenly felt deep grief for the road ahead of me. I felt like I did not have the strength within me, the warrior woman strength that I know I need, to face another pregnancy and to have another baby.

Being pregnant and giving birth are like crossing a narrow bridge. People can accompany you to the bridge. They can greet you on the other side. But you walk that bridge alone.
-African Proverb

For me being pregnant is a time full of mental and physical stress, I know I've spoken here on my blog briefly before about the fact that I lost my first pregnancy in the 13th week. So for me in each of my subsequent pregnancies those weeks leading up to the 13th week are a time of great struggle in which I face fear daily choosing each day to go forward anyway. On top of that with this pregnancy I have had morning sickness much much worse than with any of my previous pregnancies, it has been so bad at times that I have spent days in bed.

This finally is my 13th week of this pregnancy, I start my 14th week tomorrow. I can't tell you how long it has felt already, but finally I am feeling this baby move within me and we have heard the heart beat loud and strong many times on our at home Doppler (that I have rented). I have also finally chosen a midwife and my first appointment is tomorrow. Things feel like they are moving forward, and over these past two months I have felt myself slowly broken open to this new future. Simultaneously feeling scared, worried but also blessed beyond belief. It is a strange uncertain place to be, in which I still must choose to put one foot in front of the other in trust daily.

My morning beach walks started in early January, they have held deep lessons for me. Sometimes the tide is very low and there is a huge sandbar for me to walk on, other times the beach is just a tiny thin strip and the waves roll up to my shoes.

Sometimes the sand bar is just a tiny island, almost covered by the tide.

At other times the beach feels wide as a desert and my whole being feels wide open and expansive with it.

Some mornings are cold,

the sea feels menacing and murky,

While other days are glassy and warm.

On most days the Dolphins are there, playing in the water close to the shore. Their top fins surface before they dive and really, they are so hard to photograph but absolutely magnificent to watch as they glide through the water

Watching these angels of the ocean reminds me of unbridled joy, of the little fish baby swimming in my belly, of the depths within the ocean that are there even though I can't see them...they remind me to have faith.

With Woman

 A few weeks ago I had the honor of being the labor support doula at an amazing birth. When I met the couple Cinelle and Stephen back in September we had an immediate connection. They had also recently moved to the Charleston area, Cinelle is also an artist and spent many years in New York City. Even though I had taken a break from my doula work so that I could be present with my family during our move and transition to Charleston, I really felt led to be their doula. 

I was with them for the hard work of 29 hours of her 2.5 day labor. Every birth that I have attended teaches me about the human capacity to endure, to overcome, to triumph and to rejoice, and in this birth especially I felt those lessons deeply. I really feel so blessed to have been a part of their birth, and their little girl Anouk is precious as you can see,

here she is at our post-partum visit, less than a week old.

Amazingly, even as a new first time mom, Cinelle found time to make a video called With Woman, about her birth experience which you can watch here, I come in about half way through.

Do you see the little rainbow in the middle of the sky here?

As I was driving to their home to meet them as Cinelle labored, this little rainbow followed me on the whole half hour drive, I felt like it was a sign of grace and good things to come.

Thanksgiving

Perhaps I can blame it on our move this year, but I really can.not.believe that the Thanksgiving holiday is coming up this week! How can it be the end of November, and is Christmas really only a few weeks away?!?
While I absorb all of that, and cook and host Frank's family for a Thanksgiving feast coming up on Thursday I might be pretty quiet around here, but perhaps I'll pop in with some images of our celebration.
I am feeling extra thankful after a quick trip that we took last week, we drove down to Disney in Florida and met up there with my mother and also with Sarah, my closest friend from childhood who flew down from New Hampshire with her kids.
We all stayed at Animal Kingdom Lodge, where we had a view of safari animals from our room's balcony which was pretty cool,

My friend Sarah has a son who is Jasper's age and a daughter who is Carys's age, which is an amazing serendipity, and the fact that they all love each other and play so well makes me happy on many different levels. Watching them play makes me think of the way Sarah and I used to play when we met when we were only 4, and it also makes me realize anew how thankful I am for her and for all of my deep friendships that have seen me through the years.

Another side of the trip was actually tough, Sarah's husband Jamey died 3 years ago in a motorcycle accident, and this was the first trip that Frank and I have spent with her family since the accident. So, Jamey's absence was tangible, strange and aching. Seeing how their children have grown and watching their son's face form the same expressions and smiles that Jamey would do was a constant reminder of their loss. It made me so grateful, so deeply Thank-full, for my own family. The simple fact that Frank and I get to wake up every day together and watch our beautiful children grow is a joy that never gets old and something that I am thankful for every single day, and I could taste that on this trip.

I plan to celebrate that joy, especially this week as we give thanks on the holiday. This past year has been a huge one for my family of 4, as we moved together to a new place where we only had each other and together we have branched out, made a new home and new friends slowly making this place our own. We have come through it all together as a stronger family unit, they are my joy, my strength and my thanks for them overflows.

Seven and a pirate party

My boy turned seven last Saturday (7!), we celebrated with his class in their school yard with a special ceremony in which he held the globe and walked around a little model of the sun once for each year of his life as I told the story of what he did and how he developed in each year. Quite a sweet ceremony for my mama-heart as I was able to relive all of his milestones in his story.

Last Sunday we had our big blow out party at our house, a Pirate Party! My kids love picking a theme for their birthday and this year Jasper started planning his Pirate party back in the summer. Almost before we knew anyone to invite! Now we feel so thankful that through Jasper's school he has made so many friends so quickly. He really loved his birthday party, and I had fun planning all of the little details...

the banner and snack table,

silly "pirate" names for the snacks,

the pirate ship pinata,

Frank planned a complex scavenger hunt, which the kids did as a group, and really put their energy into!

and then there was the cake, which Jasper art directed and I decorated, we think it turned out well. The story is that boat has crashed on the island but the shark does not want to give up and one of the pirates has spotted the treasure,

What an exciting time we had, such fun, and now as the dust settles I have to get used to the fact that my lovely boy is already seven!!

August Break: Sunrise this morning

We've been drinking in all of our precious time with dear family this week on the farm, can't wait to share more pictures when we return home later this week!

This is Home

Six weeks in and its starting to feel a whole lot more like it anyway. We are starting to get into a weekly rhythm, going to the farmers' market every Tuesday evening for dinner, heading to the beach when the days are so hot and finishing the day at our favorite fish taco joint. The days feel long with often just our family of 4 for company, and Brooklyn often feels like a world away...like something from a dream. How can it be that we lived there for 15 years, and now we are here?