In Shadow

One of the most exciting things for me about this pregnancy is that my cousin and his wife found out that they were also expecting their third child about 7 weeks after us!

We were all so thrilled as they are more like a brother and sister-in-law to us, and our families are really close. They already have a boy and a girl too, so when we found out that we are expecting a boy we all hoped that they would also have another boy.
She and I were in touch all the time through these past few months, chatting about all the details of being pregnant that often only another pregnant mama can understand, often we'd text back and forth multiple times a day. The bond that we shared being pregnant at the same time was so appreciated for me right now, so affirming and such a source of happiness.

We found out last Saturday that she was being rushed to the hospital with a severe infection. After hours of intense pain finally the doctors did an amnio and were able to discover that her placenta was infected, the amnio started her labor and she delivered a perfect little boy who was too young to survive outside of his mama's womb yet. They were able to hold, baptise and name him. She is lucky to be alive and needed multiple blood transfusions to recover.

Each detail of their experience brings me grief as it is honestly my worst pregnancy nightmare presented in stark reality. I've been in a place of shadow this week, through conversations with both of them I am trying to come to a place of understanding about what happened. The grief is deep, and on many levels...running a spectrum from the fact that their baby had no chance to experience this life, to just struggling with the fact that things like this happen at all.

When grief comes and I am in this shadowy place, meeting my fears as we all do, it is with surprise at times like this I see the sunshine in life with greater highlights. The beauty of each moment is undimmed and in fact shines brighter as I see each bit for the blessing that it truly is.
Just like a saying that I have in my head but I'm not sure where from...

The shadow proves the sunshine.

I've spent so much time worrying especially in the early stages of this pregnancy, and when confronted with the worst that can happen I feel myself stand up, lift up my chin and walk forward. We don't know what is ahead of us, everyday, but we can meet the future with confidence and embrace the beauty that is around us. That is the small thing that I can do.

I see the shadow.
And I will embrace the sunshine.

Rearranging our shelves

The other day, after dropping Jasper off at Kindergarten for the first time, I came home and started rearranging our book shelves.
Seriously.
I took everything off of each shelf and then put the books back on in color order, sometimes rainbow, sometimes black to white, or blue to yellow, what ever worked for each shelf.

I was completely absorbed with the task, as Carys played beside me. It wasn't until Frank walked through the living room and jokingly said, "Uh oh, Mommy is color coding the books.", that I realized that maybe there was more to my behavior.
Truthfully, arranging the books by color was something that I have always wanted to do, after seeing it in magazines and admiring how it transforms and orders the whole look of the space. I had hoped to do it someday, but the time never seemed right for such a frivolous feeling project.

What I realize now, a few days later, is that I was also doing just what I needed to do that day....to organize my thoughts as well as the books, to keep my mind focused on the beauty of this transition for our boy (instead of the mama sadness in my heart). Our lives are being arranged around this new school schedule, so now the time feels right to rearrange other things as well...it is amazing how that happens. To me this is evidence of how things really do open up at just the right time.
Besides, who really couldn't use a little more beauty on their bookshelves?