I'm here!

Its hard for me to believe that its already almost the middle of July, time has flown by and I've missed being here! We've been having adventures and really been totally caught up in the magic of summertime. I also had a huge set back and few weeks ago, when I came down with Pneumonia...its been a slow recovery and disappointing for me to get so sick right as I'm gearing up for the end of an otherwise good pregnancy.

To quickly sum up our past month and a half: At the beginning of June, when the kid's school ended for summer break we hopped in the car and headed south to Florida, where we met up with Frank's parents who live there. We visited Disney briefly, then Frank and I took a quick "baby moon" without the kids in Miami. We then spent time at Frank's parent's house and also visited Sanibel and Captiva Islands which were so beautiful. We returned home to Charleston in the middle of June after our long road trip, and as I was adjusting to being home I was feeling great and ready to head into the end of my pregnancy.

I've felt so strong physically with this pregnancy, I've been working out at the gym and doing yoga, both of which have kept me feeling so good. Here I am in my 33rd week, the week after we returned from Florida,

As I've been feeling so great it was such a surprise to me when I suddenly came down with what I thought was a horrible chest cold. I was so sick that I just had to be in bed, and I kept thinking I'd start to get better, but as the days passed I got worse. My breath began to get wheezy and there was a "clicking" sound in my chest when I exhaled, and I had horrible coughing fits. The nights were especially hard as I struggled to breathe, and began to have a feeling that I was drowning. This just didn't seem right to me, and even though I am usually hesitant to head to the doctor, this was definitely a situation where I should have gone in days earlier than I did.

I almost had to be hospitalized with a case of left lung Pneumonia, the doctor said that it has been going around our area, and I guess that in my very pregnant state my body just wasn't able to fight it off once I was exposed. I'm just relieved that my kids didn't get it too! I'm feeling so much better after 2 and a half weeks of treatment, but my energy level is still very low and I still get winded very easily if I exert myself (even climbing stairs is hard), it scares me when I think about how sick I was. This is really one of the times in my life when I have been most thankful for modern medicine, I feel really blessed by it and so fortunate and amazed at how much better I am starting to feel even from one week ago, what a difference!

So, after those adventures I'm back. Still recovering, and my main focus right now is on getting fully better so that when I face labor soon I will be ready with everything that I have within me. I'm in my 36th week of this pregnancy, feeling huge and so ready to meet this baby!

I hope that you are having a wonderful July, I'm excited to share highlights from our time in Florida and our "baby moon".

xo

It's a.....

Yesterday morning Frank and I went for an ultrasound where we were able to find out the gender of our baby. I had seen a really cute gender-reveal idea on Pinterest, where the parents had put a bunch of balloons (either pink or blue) inside a box, and then open it with their family to reveal the gender. We really wanted to have a fun surprise for my parents, who are visiting for 3 weeks, and the kids so I knew I wanted to use the box idea!

We gathered in the afternoon in our back yard, with family and a few friends. Once we were all assembled I slowly pulled the tape off of the top of the box....

It's a BOY!!!!!

The moments were magical, and ones that I know we'll remember always! And now we know more about this little guy who will join us this summer. It really helps it feel more real to me as now I'm able to think about him concretely as another little boy for me to hold and snuggle.

My Jasper is beyond thrilled, he was so hoping for a little brother, and now his wish is coming true!! Woohoo!

Where I've really been

Most mornings for the past month you'd find me out walking on the beach. I make the quick 5 minute drive from our house, park in the sand by the side of the road and walk the wooden board walk out onto the beach, which changes daily with the tides and weather, presenting its new face to me each morning like a surprise. As I start to breathe in the sea air I feel my body calming, my mind opening.

After what has been the longest blog-break that I've taken since I started blogging two and half years ago I am back friends, and I have missed being here. For the past month I have needed to retreat, cocoon myself and focus on my immediate surroundings, taking care of myself and my family. I'd like to explain why...

At the beginning of December I found out that I am pregnant, completely unexpectedly, it was really one of the most stunning bits of news that I've ever received. Not because I thought that it wasn't possible, but just because as someone who likes to be a "planner" I have such a vision for my life and future...and having another child was something that Frank and I had thought about, considered for a time, but decided that it was not a part of our vision for our future. Our family of four, Frank and I with Jasper and Carys feels so balanced, and with our move last summer we have been adjusting to our new life. On a deep level I had been finding such a peace in moving forward from my childbearing years. I was happy finally to put that behind me, to let it go, and to embrace the time ahead which I thought was going to be full of creating my art as my main focus, especially since Carys will start full time Kindergarten in September 2012, I figured 2012 was going to be about me diving into my art in a deeper way.

So, that was the mindset with which I faced the plus sign on the pregnancy test back in December, I looked at it in disbelief. It was not part of my plan!! I was really in shock about it, both Frank and I were, through the holidays as we traveled back up north to visit family and friends I look back and see what a state of shock we were in. The reality of it did not hit me until we returned home from our holiday trip. Looking forward towards the future I suddenly felt deep grief for the road ahead of me. I felt like I did not have the strength within me, the warrior woman strength that I know I need, to face another pregnancy and to have another baby.

Being pregnant and giving birth are like crossing a narrow bridge. People can accompany you to the bridge. They can greet you on the other side. But you walk that bridge alone.
-African Proverb

For me being pregnant is a time full of mental and physical stress, I know I've spoken here on my blog briefly before about the fact that I lost my first pregnancy in the 13th week. So for me in each of my subsequent pregnancies those weeks leading up to the 13th week are a time of great struggle in which I face fear daily choosing each day to go forward anyway. On top of that with this pregnancy I have had morning sickness much much worse than with any of my previous pregnancies, it has been so bad at times that I have spent days in bed.

This finally is my 13th week of this pregnancy, I start my 14th week tomorrow. I can't tell you how long it has felt already, but finally I am feeling this baby move within me and we have heard the heart beat loud and strong many times on our at home Doppler (that I have rented). I have also finally chosen a midwife and my first appointment is tomorrow. Things feel like they are moving forward, and over these past two months I have felt myself slowly broken open to this new future. Simultaneously feeling scared, worried but also blessed beyond belief. It is a strange uncertain place to be, in which I still must choose to put one foot in front of the other in trust daily.

My morning beach walks started in early January, they have held deep lessons for me. Sometimes the tide is very low and there is a huge sandbar for me to walk on, other times the beach is just a tiny thin strip and the waves roll up to my shoes.

Sometimes the sand bar is just a tiny island, almost covered by the tide.

At other times the beach feels wide as a desert and my whole being feels wide open and expansive with it.

Some mornings are cold,

the sea feels menacing and murky,

While other days are glassy and warm.

On most days the Dolphins are there, playing in the water close to the shore. Their top fins surface before they dive and really, they are so hard to photograph but absolutely magnificent to watch as they glide through the water

Watching these angels of the ocean reminds me of unbridled joy, of the little fish baby swimming in my belly, of the depths within the ocean that are there even though I can't see them...they remind me to have faith.

expecting

"Love has nothing to do with what you are expecting to get~ only with what you are expecting to give~ which is everything."
~Katherine Hepburn

Here I am five years ago last week, expecting to give birth any day. We were full-on renovating our house and this sun filled spot by the kitchen window was one of the only peaceful places to catch a breath. I put on my favorite painting smock and asked Frank to snap a few pictures of me in the sunlight. We finally got to meet Jasper a few days later.
I like to celebrate my children's birthdays in a big way. Around here we talk about their "birthday week", not just a day! With every birthday that they have I feel like I am celebrating my own right of passage into mother hood, so I like to give that ample time to sink into my heart in it's own way.
This evening I will make my grandmother's fresh apple cake for him to share at his playgroup tomorrow. These traditions have taken on so much more meaning and intent to me as a parent. I try to be intentional about creating rituals that will connect my children to their family history, while also helping them to feel my love in warm tangible ways...like baking something homemade in their honor, greeting them with a warm hug and kiss when they come downstairs to start their day, reading good stories to them every night even if I am too tired...there are a thousand ways in which I have given myself to them over and over, often in ways that I could never have expected, and through that I really have gained everything.