Not so this week. The opening of my show at Swallow is Thursday evening and it feels like there are a million things to do before then and I'm trying to do it all.
On top of that BOTH kids are sick. Jasper: 3rd ear infection of the year, Carys: mystery fever.
Before I have an opening my "self doubt voices" are always strong.... Who do I think I am having a show? Will anyone come? Will they like the work? Will anything sell?.... Since becoming a mama the voices always include questions about the selfishness of putting so much effort into something that is not my children! This time with the kids sick it is worse and I have been experiencing triggers of self doubt over the past couple of days that feel almost paralyzing. The hardest question: "Why do I think that I can do all of this, being a mom and an artist and do a good job at it all?" I am being stretched thin as they need me so much and I need myself at the same time. That's the thing, I am TRYING to do a good job at it all.
Last fall I saw the documentary Who Does She Think She Is, and it resonated so much with this questioning part of me that wonders if I can be a mother and an artist. A quote from one of the artists in the film is the best answer that I have so far:
Eventually your children will feel the call to use and explore their gifts very strongly, they will be better prepared to know how to do this if they have seen you (as the parent) do this in your own life, with your own gifts. This could be one of the best ways to prepare them for happiness and fulfillment.
So I am going to go on trying to get it all done, and giving myself to them when I can. The questions and self doubts will always be there. The answer lies in DOING.
And in taking little breaks to sit on the deck in the sunshine, wearing my current favorite necklace and bracelet set::